I am sick, but not dead

Going back to work is proving to be more difficult than I initially imagined it would be. I came home at lunch because the nausea and headaches were too much today. I slept most of the entire afternoon because the pain medicine knocked me out, and I will likely be asleep early tonight as well.

It’s been 2 weeks since I’ve been taken off one of my pain medicines, mainly because it quit working for me and the expense was so damned high. I should be over the withdrawal affects of that drug by now; I didn’t notice anything really, anyways, over the past 2 weeks. But still, the intense pain and nausea are keeping me from functioning at the level I need to complete my projects for work.

My wife is starting to get weighed down and frustrated with me and my being sick all the time, and I don’t blame her. When she stops caring all together, I will stop caring also. I’m so sorry for being sick all the time and the medical bills are starting to reach the level of no return. It’s taken over our lives and it has to end soon; I would rather die than bankrupt my family over this bullshit. Plus, when it comes to pain, I am a whimp. My tolerance level for pain is too low and the pain meds make me a walking zombie who would rather sit around and drool more than any other activity. It can’t get to the point of bankruptcy; I won’t let it while I’m still me and able.

Lately, all I won’t to do is cry for all the missed interaction with my 3 sons. I can’t get that time back. Damn, this sucks beyond belief! I want to SCREAM!! I want it to stop. I wonder how others with health issues cope; I wonder if they ignore the pain. Maybe I can ignore my pain and pretend that I’m not sick anymore; I can just ignore this shit-bag ill life I have and smile; smile my damn ass off. I get mad! Then, I get sad and depressed; repeat ad-infinitum, or until death. Maybe I just haven’t found the right medicine or treatment, so I go to doctors, get prescriptions, spend all my time and money, and then I’m right back where I started. The medicines have destroyed the old me; I feel dead already or I feel like I’m waiting. So, I keep bouncing from doctor to doctor. No luck yet.

As I write, I lay in bed, read, write some more, and I hear my 3 sons having a water-balloon fight outside my window and I cry a pity sob to myself for being in here. One more day of misery down; X many more to go? My emotional rollercoaster is taking a toll on my relationship with my wife as I said. She has stopped being physically close to me or giving hugs, kisses, or other demonstrations of affection. I can’t and I don’t blame her; it’s taken its toll and I think it sucks just as much for her as it does for me. I believe she is distancing herself from the evitable end, of me. I hold no ill feelings for her and I understand it. I still love her more and more every day since we were married 14 years ago.

I really need to find a way to guarantee my son’s college educations are paid for in case of the inevitable. This is my biggest concern and I must assure that my sons will be educated at a university of their choosing at all costs. I will see all my possessions disappear to make this happen. I need to stop for a few to take some pain meds. Be back soon.

Well, I managed to open my bedroom window to catch the end of the water-balloon war. The backyard is covered in multicolored pieces of balloon everywhere now. They must have had a ball; they are soaking wet and all smiles. For $5.00 at Walmart you really can’t beat the level of fun versus the cost. God, I love to see them smile like that.

My boys are so smart, and I’m not just saying that because I’m their parent. My oldest is on the golf team and he is taking honors analytic geometry next year in 8th grade, and it’s supposed to be a 10th grade course. My middle son received the President’s Award for getting all A’s all year long and he writes fantasy fiction stories that are actually as good or better than some of the commercial writers I’ve read. My youngest is in the first grade starting next year, and he can already read at such a high level. He reads “Percy Jackson” stories, “Harry Potter” books, and much more. I am so, so, so proud of all of them.

Thinking how successful they will become in their lives makes my days so much more than they could be otherwise. I thank God for my sons and my wife. I am truly blessed.

About kmandew

Computer Scientists Interested in Solving Problems
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